I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
