I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
