there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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