just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
