Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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