I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
