They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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