i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
