member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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