Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
