i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
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Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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