You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
