WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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