Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
