if only i could text you this smell
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
