We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
