I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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