I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
