I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
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Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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