He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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