I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
