I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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