My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
