he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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