I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
