How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
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i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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