I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
