At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
