Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Randomize
