Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
