Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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