when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
