Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
