I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
