I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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