how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
