she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
