Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
