So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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