I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
