508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
