She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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