Don't make out with my wife yet
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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