Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
