how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
