My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
