I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
