It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
