you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
