All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
