Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
