i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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