I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
