I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
