If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
