made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
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Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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