Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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